What Kind of Scumbag are You?

We are all scum, and the sooner we embrace that reality, the better off we’ll all be.

The first step is to resign ourselves to this harsh reality.

Next, we need to determine what kind of scumbag we are, and that’s what the following quiz purports to do.

Using scumbag archetypes from Die Empty, the quiz will help you understand what kind of scum you are. Are you a user? A selfish drunkard? A delusional pervert? A vegetable? Click on the image of the douchebag below to take the quiz and find out:douche.jpg

 

 

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New Release: Die Empty

die

Have you ever felt like most of the dreams you had convinced yourself were worthy of your pursuit really didn’t amount to much?

Like everything was vacuous?

Like you’d been stringing yourself along with goals that were starting to get too lofty or unwieldy for the steps you were taking towards them?

Lance has.

The one thing he doesn’t have is a way out.

He’s not sure he’d take it even if he did.

Someone would have to push him through the escape hatch . . . and that’s exactly what Death intends to do . . .

About the Book

In sum: Midlife crisis. A character who has no purpose and direction finds autonomy in trivial pursuits. Petty, white, middle class toxicity that serves as undercurrent to all the charms and trappings of Americana. The grime beneath the fingernails of the dream you’ve come to loathe, long for, or you’ve deluded yourself into believing you’re a part of.

A depiction of the most practical hell you could imagine.

Check it out:

More Free Fetus Soap! And Free Fetus Cookie Cutters!

Hey, gang:

It is time for a giveaway. Not for books, necessarily. This time, we’re giving away another bar of fetus soap

Remember this?

Remember this?

We’re also giving away some fetus cookie cutters. Cover your creations in red frosting and bring them to pro choice rallies! Bring them to pro life rallies and become the coolest kid on the block! You can throw them at folks walking out of Planned Parenthood! We don’t condone it, but you could hypothetically, we suppose.

FetusCookie

If that doesn’t float your boat, how about one of these stickers?

nukefetus

And of course, I’ve got my abortosphere pins as well:

00pinsaborto

So how do you get your hands on all of these goodies?

Write a review on Amazon or Goodreads (or both!) before December 23rd and you’re entered to win. Drop me a line on Facebook so I know who you are if you use a pseudonym on Amazon or Goodreads.

Here are the prize packages:

1st winner gets the soap, a Nuke the Fetus sticker and 2 pins.

2nd winner gets a fetus cookie cutter, a Nuke the Fetus sticker and 2 pins

3rd place gets a fetus cookie cutter, a Nuke the Fetus sticker and 2 pins as well

4th gets a Nuke the Fetus sticker and 2 pins (and I’ll throw in a copy of Uncle Sam’s Carnival of Copulating Inanimals if you don’t have it or if you want one for a friend)

5th gets a Nuke the Fetus sticker and 2 pins (and I’ll throw in a copy of Uncle Sam’s Carnival of Copulating Inanimals if you don’t have it or if you want one for a friend)

6th: sticker and a pin

Six winners, so the odds are in your favor unless 20 people do this. It doesn’t have to be a positive review, just a review from folks who read the book. 

Fetus Soap! (and cheap books, but seriously: fetus soap)

Billy Mays here! I’m going to cut right to the chase!

Billy Mays

Look at all this shit you get for only $14!

promopic

Just to break it down that’s:

1 signed copy of Journey to Abortosphere

1 signed copy of the 2010 NBAS release Uncle Sam’s Carnival of Copulating Inanimals

1 8×10 glossy print of cover art from Uncle Sam’s Carnival of Copulating Inanimals, signed by artist Anastasia Sultzer

3 2” pins with the cover art from Journey to Abortosphere. That’s Revert art right there, folks! And it fits so perfectly in that pin. Use it to gain entry into ultra conservative pro-life rallies!

$14 includes shipping for folks in the states.

International bidders PM and Kirk will pay half of the shipping costs once calculated. Then you’ll get your total.

Payment accepted via Paypal. PM Kirk Jones for details, or send your payment to jonesk@canton.edu. Ask him to write potentially incriminating messages inside the book for you!

As if that deal isn’t sweet enough, each buyer is entered to win this awesome human fetus soap. We only have one bar of this shit!

There are only 10 bundles available. Buy two and increase your chances of winning that kick ass soap! You know you want to rub that shit all over your body!

fetus-soap

Interview on the Surreal Grotesque Podcast

Surreal GrotesqueA few weeks ago, I was lucky enough to be interviewed by Jeremy Maddux on the Surreal Grotesque podcast. It was a great experience, and I regret that it has taken me so long to post it here. As belated as it is, if you click on the image to the left the link will take you to the interview.

Among many things, we talked about people marrying inanimate objects. Here’s a link to more information on that: CLICK HERE

We also talked about the Philadelphia Experiment, which you can learn more about that business if you click to the right, RIGHT HERE

We also talked about butts, which you can learn more about HERE

 

My Writing Process Blog Tour

So a while back the wonderful Julianne Snow asked me to participate in a blog tour for writers. We were to answer four questions and then tag three other authors at the bottom of the post. I asked Gabino Iglesias, Grant Wamack, and Mike VanKennen. I figure they’re cooler than me, so I’m putting them up front, and then I’ll answer the four questions they’re going to answer next week after that. Click on their pictures to visit their blogs.

GabinoGabino Iglesias is a writer, journalist, and book reviewer living in Austin, TX. He’s the author of Gutmouth (Eraserhead Press) and a few other things no one will ever read. His work has appeared in The New York Times, Verbicide, The Rumpus, HTMLGiant, The Magazine of Bizarro Fiction, Z Magazine, Out of the Gutter, Word Riot, Red Fez, and a other print and online venues.

 

 

WamackGrant Wamack is a writer, rapper, traditional artist, and Navy journalist. He is the author of the bizarro novella Notes from the Guts of a Hippo. He currently lives in Spain where he dances in the streets with beautiful ghosts and dodges bulls.

 

 

 

Grown-Up MikeMike VanKennen is a poet writing for friends’ kitchens who will have on multiple occasions read words to actual people. He has provided some nonsense for a Quirky Love Interest record he’s not sure will ever see the light of day. Full-time college student part-time wage slave with aspirations of pokemon mastery. He has also overcome his fear of writing about himself in the third person with the publishing of this bio.

 

 

So below are the questions these dudes above are going to answer next week on their blogs (see check in with them and follow them). Here are my responses to the questions:

1) What am I working on?

First, I’m getting read to promote my next book, Journey to Abortosphere, which is out on kindle, but hasn’t hit yet in print. It could be described as a bizarro romance tale about a man who loses his first love (a shoehorn), finds unrequited love (first with a boiler, then with a machine that warps space-time) and then finally meets the woman of his dreams. Really, it is just a story about the absurdity of existence . . . and butts. For example, some conspiracy theorists believe the Philly experiment scattered the body parts of sailors across space time. Legs, arms, sometimes souls. But never, ever are there any discussions of butts getting strewn through time. I figure it’s about time we talk about these butts. Where are these butts now? Is there some ancient hieroglyphic evidence of sailor butts in ancient Egypt, perhaps?

2) How does my work differ from others of its genre?

I guess I should return to my bizarro roots to answer this question. When working in any genre other than bizarro, my bizarro roots make me stand out. There’s always an element of the weird in my work, and that’s been the case before I even knew that what I wrote could be identified as bizarro. When I write bizarro, my work probably differs from others in the genre because it doesn’t always comfortably fit the high concept model that is really popular right now. That can be a good thing and a bad thing. I re-read a review of my first book, Uncle Sam’s Carnival of Copulating Inanimals, tonight. The reviewer described the themes as cluttered, which I can see in retrospect. There’s too much being packed in there. I think it is something all beginning authors contend with. We finally get that chance to publish, so we try to pack it all in. It takes a while to learn how to slow down and address one issue at a time.

3) Why do I write what I do?

I let my passions guide me most of the time. Something sparks my interest and I keep diving in. The book I’m revising right now started with a YouTube video clip about the history of FCC regulations. I was intrigued, so I went to the local university library and started digging anything I could up relating to this subject. I branched out and branched out until I had the idea completely formed. Then I started writing.

4) How does my writing process work?

The process I describe above isn’t usually how I work best. I often come up with an idea and then just start writing. Often, if I know the end of my book I’ll stop writing. I’m a storyteller at heart. Once the story is completed it my head, I don’t feel the urge to get it out on paper. So I tease the story along. I usually end up cutting about 1/5 to 1/4 of the work afterwards because the approach I take is a bit sloppy and a lot of cutting is necessary to make the story concise and neat. But the last book I had outlined pretty well. I’m growing more disciplined now that I’ve grown up a bit as a writer. The book I’m working on currently had a mystery element to it, so I had to outline it more carefully than I normally would outline a work. I’m pleased with the results so far.

My New Book is About Butts

AbortoBookAfter almost four years, one of my books has finally hit the shelves again. This one is about butts. It is about time-traveling butts, and gluteomancy, which allows people to see the future by reading the patterns of hair growth on butts.

Of course it is about more than just butts, but I know that’s what you want most, so that’s what this book aims to deliver.

You can laugh at my sales ranking by clicking HERE

Or you can send me straight into the bowels of hell by clicking HERE

You could also save the world from environmental destruction by clicking HERE