Though this is an old piece of news, I wanted to share it with everyone. Since one of the themes in the text is objectophilia and animism, touching down on older news stories relating to this seems a relevant endeavor.
The first story comes from Ohio, and features a man who was arrested for indecent exposure after copulating with his picnic table. I’m not sure what would compel someone to make love to their furniture. Though my text features animism, the copulation is reserved primarily for furniture imbued with souls who are trained to engage in acts with fellow furniture.
Apparently the picnic table was a nice fit for the fellow, as he engaged in the act several times. While I don’t find that particularly disturbing, the fact that he did this about 100 yards from an elementary school . . . well, that seems like poor judgment on his behalf. The guy had kids as well, though I’m not sure if they attended the nearby school or not:
If you happen to come across any relevant stories, be sure to share in the comments section.