Morpheus and the Masturbating Objectophiliac: Pee Wee’s Playhouse on Retro Bizarro

A psychotic adult guised as a child with ADD rides his rocket-powered bike to a playhouse filled with talking furniture. Morpheus dresses in a cowboy suit and chases an old bag around the playhouse. Puppets smoke cigarettes and help said boy make sun tea, which it is later determined may produce bacteria that could render children sick. Blacula calls himself a king, the king of cartoons to be exact. Then the boy grows old, gets busted for masturbating in public, and Cherry ends up in the gutter.

And now you know is why God is dead.

This show was crack for children, and successfully infiltrated every aspect of their lives. Pee Wee and his talking inanimate objects (even the fucking floor talked by the middle of season I) watch cartoons, claymation, make food, prank phone calls, drive the mail lady crazy, and even insult the fat pig of a neighbor on nearly every episode.

I'm going door-to-door to sell the same shitty copy of my game year after year!

Like all great heroes, Pee Wee has one weakness. His kryptonite if you will, appears to be the door-to-door salesman, played by John Madden, who is so goddamned scary they won’t even put his likeness in his own game after the opening screen. Every time Pee Wee opened his front door screaming “I”ll get it!” like a drug-addled crack whore trying to retrieve that free-based ball of gel from a spoon of liquified baby laxative, I prayed to God that it would be the nosy cow from next door. If it would have been the Cowntess that would have been fine too, but she only came to the window. It was always John Madden

The human characters were pretty droll for the most part, except Pee Wee. I never cared much for Cowboy Curtis until I watched him utter “Neo, you’re the one” 500 times in the first Matrix film. It was then that I gave him a second chance. Miss Yvonne was a testament to what happens to one’s perception in a small town consisting of only three females. Captain Carl was an alcoholic’s answer to Popeye. The King of Cartoons, well, I’m not sure who the hell he was, nor what the hell he was on. But anyone who mangles classic cartoons to fit into 30-seconds is alright by me. I imagine him clipping and taping the reels, muttering “you like that bitch!?” in cotton bunny rabbit pajamas. Mmmm. Cotton.

What pisses me off is that people decided this show wasn’t appropriate for young audiences after Pee Wee was busted for masturbating in a porn theater. No, it wasn’t a problem that he appeared as a dope-smoking man-turned-lizard in Cheech and Chong years before his children’s show ever aired. Pee Wee got busted doing what everybody does, so there must be some sort of subversive pervert message in the show. That seemed to be the logic that justified his condemnation. It just made my father love him more.

But it’s ok for cops to chill out and watch porn at taxpayers’ expense so they can catch “criminals” squeeze one out.

Pee Wee’s comeback has been long overdue. And it’s about damned time that he starts making appearances on wrestling and Saturday Night Live, Broadway . . . and I-Pad commercials, I guess.

The truth is, we should be happy to see Pee Wee no matter what he’s up to. With young celebrities driving their sports cars through buildings, making sex tapes, and spending abridged sentences in jail with their Iphones, we can only deduce that Pee Wee was ahead of his time, a revolutionary.

Only one question remains: when is he getting his Nobel Peace Award?

While Jackson Browne had many guitarists, Pee Wee was always held in highest regard. According to Youtube user bvk123″PeeWee Herman, playing guitar with the pink shirt, was a session player in 82. Browne noted Herman’s “sass” as being his key asset.” You don’t see much of Pee Wee until about 2:26 in the video:

And here’s what Pee Wee would look like today without surgery:

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