Proud Americans: What it Means to be American

There’s so much animosity towards Americans these days. We’re stereotyped as fat, ignorant, lazy, spoiled, shallow, narcissistic, xenophobes. And why? Just because we’re amidst an obesity crisis, have terrible academic performance, refuse to work jobs that “dem forinurs r stealin’ from us,” DEMAND our disability and social service funding, and worship looks over morality and intelligence, does not mean America has nothing valuable to offer the world. We’re a country rich with a Borg-like culture that robs from others indiscriminately. And sometimes, just sometimes, we come up with something original. I’d like to attempt to curtail the negative outlook most have by introducing three of America’s finest, and most original.

1. Mark Gormley: Gormley’s one of those hidden treasures among the rough that is the general population. After writing songs for years, he finally introduced the world to his instant classics via the production genius of Phil Thomas Katt. He skyrocketed to fame in 2006. Since his debut on The Uncharted Zone, Gormley has enjoyed internet fame via YouTube with classics such as “Little Wings” and his delicately phrased “The Cries in our Eyes.” He’s one of America’s finest musicians not only because of his lyrical mastery and his soothing guitar rhythms, but because of his up beat self-designed choreography. His trite half smiles, limp two-step, and classic “I’m prairie dogging and clinching my cheeks until I finish this song” stance have won the hearts of millions, including this blogger. Revel in the rich folk culture of America’s finest:

 

2. Jan Terri: if having haters is a sign of one’s success, then Jan Terri is almost as famous as another fine American, Michele Bachmann. Hailing from the mean streets of Chicago, Jan’s music video “I Don’t Want to Lose You Tonight” has all the staples of quality. She flaunts her ancient rental limousine, totes a faux leather bag, lip synchs on the shoreline and has her own system of phonics. Listen carefully to her phrasing as she sings, “I don’t wanna lose you duh-night. You’re the only one that maers.”

 

3. Reverend X: During the 90s, Don Vincent, a.k.a Reverend X, hosted a public access television show called “Spirit of Truth,” garnering a reputation as one of the most menacing reverends in American history. That dude from Inherit the Wind? He ain’t got shit on this fellow.

After an extended hiatus, Reverend X is now back, operating under the user name Tapper7765 on YouTube. But like many creative geniuses, his early work remains a cut above the rest. Watch the prime cut below to the bitter end until you hear him utter the most awe-inspiring “biotch” to ever grace your ears. Reverend X oozes America with every “fuck you, I’m God!” he calls out to his confused callers.

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