The Physics of Talking Shit

Light travels at approximately 299 792 458 m/s. It has been hypothesized that, if we travel faster than the speed of light, we will travel back in time. While this hypothesis remains in part unproven, it’s always struck me as solid. Primarily, it strikes me as solid because as soon as you act like an ass hat and give someone reason to talk shit, it can undo everything you’ve built up in a matter of moments. That’s because shit talk (ST) moves faster than the speed of light. It’s a simple formula we all can live by, and the basic elements are below:

ST = Shit Talk

c = velocity of light


vST > vc

The movement of shit talk is relative to the atrocity that fuels the shit talk, however. Depending on the community, the atrocity you commit, i.e. AoA could make the velocity of shit talk grow in a cubic, linear, or exponential fashion.

AoA = Act of assholism

So, using the formula for exponential decay, in which the variable x = vST and r = AoA + community variables, we get:

Case Study

Let’s take a look at Michael Jackson’s career using this formula. His act of atrocity was arguably grand. Therefore, r = AoA + community variables.

It took Mr. Jackson over two decades to acquire his billion dollar fortune. But, upon rumors of his alleged perved out interactions, his empire was reduced to rubble within two years.  So for each year after AoA and subsequent shit talk, Michael Jackson’s career and his accomplishments were undone by ten years. Thus, in our previous formula, r = 1,000%? I don’t know. I’m not a physicist. But it’d be something like that.

My penultimate conclusion here is that if vST  = c as is evidenced by the case above, with exception to the shoddy figures (let’s think about this on a general qualitative level rather than quantitative) Then by acting like an ass we can travel back in time! Unfortunately it only results in cubic, linear, or exponential decay.


The only way around this is to do as Thrasymachus suggested in Part I of Plato’s Republic, and commit an atrocity so great that even shit talk cannot send s/he who commits the atrocity back in time. That requires having direct power over the people who would otherwise talk shit about you. Then you are safe from society’s wrath and time-travel capabilities.

. . . of course, simply not being an asshole works too.

4 thoughts on “The Physics of Talking Shit

  1. So this means ST might have imaginary mass – as the hypothetical tachyon. If we replace ‘mass’ with ‘gravity’ (though this a bit sloppy compared to your otherwise rigorous analysis), that translates to: ST lacks gravity. Not too bad from a linguistic point of view.

  2. It lacks gravity, but has force. The same could be said of pop culture, especially reality television. Of course, once we start thinking in metaphor, I guess both have gravity to the degree that they seem to pull people inward. I think we’ve stumbled on some sort of metaphorical paradox!

    . . . I have no idea what I’m talking about 🙂

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